Time to embrace change.

Hello there. I just want to tell everyone (if I still have readers) that my posts will now be located at http://noellejournals.wordpress.com/ :) See you there!

I'm back.

It was supposed to be just a normal Wednesday night. I'm home early, had dinner with the mum, went to my room then read a young adult e-book that I can't put down because of the lightness of the story.

When I was done reading, there were tears in my eyes. Probably, because I found the book so good or I just realized something more.

Something more personal...

Maybe, because I realized that the old "me" is back. Not the same but a lot better.

I think too much and I may look calm on the outside (the truth is) I'm freaking out so bad in the inside. I am that person. I allowed stress and hate overpower the calmness and the kindness in me. I became a horrible person and thank God I realized it early.

As long as I realized that I don't want to be that person anymore, all good things came rushing in. I can't say that it is perfect. I still have those freaking out moments but I am handling it better.

A year ago, I am so afraid and I feel so lost. I was crying all night (sometimes) without having any reasons. I just cried because I was so tired and thought that everything is so f*cked up.  Now, I am here not fully healed but I am getting there.

"This time last year everything was so different."

I have to say that it is better now.

Life.

I have to admit how I neglected this blog again. Though, I never stopped writing-- in my journal, mini notebook, planner, and post-its. I am also happy to say that I started living and be genuinely happy.

I have crossed out some things on my bucket list, updated the list, welcomed a new angel in our lives, took a vacation with my family, be more confident, do something that a 10-year old me will never do, and take risks. 

There are still moments that I feel miserable but I always keep in mind that things will get better. I might be too positive about life but life is short to dwell on the negative things. Live now. 

TVD's 100th Episode

Stefan: You know whatever’s going on with you and Elena, you need to fix it. She’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

Damon:  don’t you think I know that? (pause) can’t live w/o her. But I don’t think im no better than Katherine. Elena will be happy without me. (Stefan gave him a look or something).  What? im being SELFLESS don’t give me that look.  Katherine freakin’ Pierce has a selfless moment.. im not allowed to have one too? Fine.. Fine.. when I get Elena back and the whole universe freaks out because the fated doppelgangers are torn apart, just remember you, you’re the one who pep talked me on doing the right thing for the universe and all mankind.

Stefan:  I will keep that in mind.

Maybe, in all the highlights of TVD's 100th episode.. I love this most. Everything about Stefan is lovable. I also love the part when he took care of Katherine because COME ON! Katherine is the most cruel person in TVD but he still thought that Kath became that "person" because she was in so much pain. Everyone is being selfless in this episode (except for Katherine in the last scene) but I will still give the medal to Stefan.

To encourage your brother to pursue your one true love is one of the top act for martyrdom... I want to hate Stefan for being so selfless. I want to punch him on the face and tell him to man up! ELENA IS YOUR LIFE, TOO. YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER TOO. SHE MAY FEEL LIKE SO FREE WHENEVER SHE'S WITH DAMON BUT YOU, STEFAN... YOU ARE THE ENDGAME. YOU'RE ALWAYS THE CHOICE. But, even if I'm a Stelena fan girl, I don't want Stelena to happen just because... just to go on for the story. Even if, I want Stefan and Elena back... I also have this dream for Stefan to find a new girl. As in a totally new character... Uhm? Well, I also want Steroline but I think they're better off as best friends. The chemistry and tension makes me want to ship them more but I love the Steroline friendship to stay -- NO RELATIONSHIP DRAMA PLEASE.

Even if they hold on to the Amara-Silas doppelgangers story line.. that whatever happens, fate will bring those effin' doppelgangers together, I want them to break it. Because, Stefan deserves a new person to make him the first choice. Not the girl who chooses another man but still keeps "SPECIAL" feelings for him and all. Come on, Elena! CHOOSE! If it's Damon then leave Stefan alone. :((

....If ever the writers decided to keep Stelena back.. maybe, I want them to work on the story line of Stefan... who always gives Elena the right to make her own decisions. Because, in real life... everyone wants to have that person. The one who will support you no matter what. :(

Okay? why does this post end up on connecting Stelena's situation to real life? haha. Okay! I'm sorry.

I also love the part when Alaric and Vicky is there with the gang. No, I don't like that Tyler had arrived to Mystic Falls. I fall out of love with Tyler. I'm just sad that Lexi didn't return for Stefan. "best friends" SOOOoooOOOooooo sad.

Empty

Staring at a blank screen

Never really thought of the things that can be said

Every day is a struggle.

Every morning feels like a never ending pain where you have to stand up and live. Live as if you’re alive. Alive? How can you be alive when every cell of your body screams death? Not the kind of death that everyone thinks. It’s something that only you can feel, see, and hear.

Until, you realize… it’s not death. It is being empty. Sometimes, you wonder if it’s better to be dead than feel empty…  Alive BUT empty. 

*free writing

Complexity

*free writing

Complexity.

Two different people. A fan and the star. She was there on every gig. He never bothered to see who’s different because all of them are the same. Everyone is a fan and he admires his fans, so much.  Until, he saw this girl sitting outside the bar just staring in the sky. He sat beside her but she didn’t notice. She pretended not to notice, she maybe a gig person but she never live for after-parties… or parties in particular or small talks from strangers in the bar. Then she turned her head and heard her heartbeat. He saw her looked at him for a second. She doesn’t look interested but he took his chance. She felt that he might recognize her because she’s there on every gig. She wants to run away but her legs can’t even move. She prayed hard so that he can’t hear her loud heartbeat. Until he said Hi! (the awkward hi) but she smiled.

You can hear loud music playing in the background but there are these two souls lost in each other’s banters and random small talks. Two strangers slowly peeking on each other’s lives just for a night, to see if they can see the lost part of them there. That feeling of belongingness with a person you don’t even know…  The guy trying to impress this hard-to-read girl and this girl who wants to scream “I’m a die-hard fan and finally you’re talking to me” but decided to leave it with “you’re a stranger kind of way.”

Tonight looks perfect but as they say nothing is … Maybe after this one-night fairy-tale story they will go back to their normal life. They can either chose the easiest card or fight against the complexity of their lives.

Write a letter today to someone who needs your encouragement. –Jeff Goins

This is the last challenge that Jeff Goins gave to the people who joined his #my500words challenge. I have to admit that I failed it because I haven’t completed the 30 days. I just have at least 12 posts. 12/30, ha! But at least, it encouraged me to write more. I may not have written on my blog everyday but I have left more notes in my little notebook, in my journal, and my planner. Whenever I think of something, I don’t hesitate to write it unlike last year that I chose not to write what I think because I thought it is dumb.

I learned to suck it up and face my fears. I was so afraid that the world might come and get me but I realized that I should stop acting that way. Time to be braver. If I want to write, I should believe in myself and practice more. I need to stop comparing myself to others and stop thinking of not being good enough. Even if my writing is far from perfect at least I am slowly learning from my mistakes.

Even if I am late for the last challenge, I still want to do it. I always talk to people who are close to me, email them every day , chat or tweet and say encouraging things so I figured that I can write an encouraging post for someone who really feels down today – to a frustrated/or depressed or lost twenty-somethings today.

Dear whoever you are,

I don’t know exactly what you are going through but I want you to know that I understand if ever you are confused on where you really want to go. Maybe you have a job or maybe you don’t have one yet. If you have one and still feel lost, well been there, done that my friend. I really can’t say that go and freakin’ leave. No, I won’t do that. I remember when I was also thinking of leaving my first job – I was torn between my dream, my family, and my personal finances. At that time, I was happy until I realized being happy is not enough. Being JUST happy cannot pay the bills. So I decided I have to do something about it. I have read and watched almost all the encouraging, most positive articles and videos just to feel better. Or make myself at ease that I will not make the wrong decision. I was so scared to leave because I’m holding on to what they say "if you’re happy then go for it…" Then reality happened. Life happened. You’ll realize that life is not all about you. There are many factors in being happy especially now that we are still young.

I really want to give up at that time but when I watched this video of a famous broadcaster...She said that if you are happy with what you do, money will follow after you (okay, I’m not sure about this but it is something like that..) then she took a pause and added, “But is it applicable for everyone?” No. She added that some are just lucky while others need to fight harder to achieve their dreams. Don’t grieve and be disappointed for not being part of the privileged ones. Do not mope and give up just because you are one of the people who need to work harder. Instead, work hard, fight harder, and live more.

If you really want to leave your job, leave… but make sure you know what you want to do after. It will be better if before you send that resignation letter, you’ve already figure it out. But, if you can’t figure it out yet, start by talking to people who you know will never judge you on your decisions. 

I remember when I have this conversation with my brother, I told him that what if my decisions will turn out to be mistakes? He said (with an annoyed face) so what? If you’ll realize that you made the wrong choice then treat it as an “experience.” Another advice I got is from a veteran photographer in the fashion/entertainment industry, He asked me on why I will leave my job, I told him some of my reasons (like greener pasture and I just want to take a break from the media world). Then I suddenly felt the urge of asking him if I am making the right decisions.. He told me that I am just the one who can answer it and how can I tell if I am wrong or right when I haven’t done it yet? He told me that I am still young and go do the things I want to do.

Well, there are so many encouraging things that we can relate too but not all of them are applicable in our lives. Just pick out the best that you can relate to.

Never ever give up. Allow yourself to grow by making your own decisions. Because at the end of the day, it is your life. Go and do what you want, you freakin’ twenty-something! Make mistakes “Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right?” –Jen Lindley, Dawson’s Creek

Love,

Kit

#my500words: Just nothing

*just wrote while listening to Art of Letting Go and You could be happy.

*free writing

Goodbyes break hearts, souls, hope, relationships, joy, and many positive things. It was said in a song that we all can learn the art of letting go. How can someone really let go? Is it when one will go to different places alone but still feel all the hurt whenever night time comes? Is it when after you said good bye and finally have the courage to leave that you start to feel better for yourself but still feel your heart aching whenever you remember a certain memory. Or is it when you felt all the pain an

Memories.. Good or bad.. all of them has a place in your life. Feel.. Feel the pain, hold on to the memories, accept, don’t accept, go back to step one. Try to say it is really over. Say goodbye even the words choke you. Set it free, set them free, set him free. Maybe someday you’ll be fine, you’ll smile at each other because it is all over but right now, accept… let go of the grip slowly, one by one, one step at a time. You can learn to live again.

Start again. Restart? Yes you can. Don’t give up on your life but give him up. No, he is not your life. You have your own. Live it. Don’t be pathetic –well, it’s fine but don’t be like that all your life. Hold on to the memories but learn to put away the candid shots, the sweet pictures… the beautiful memories.

Unchain your hands, your feet, unchain your heart. Unchain everything until you feel free. Tell yourself, enough, good bye, IT”S OVER. Even if you don’t believe it.. Say it. Let go of the grip. Stop holding on. Open up the door, get out. Walk away. Kick all the chains. Think of Start. Restart. New. Run. Walk not towards him but towards a new you. Towards a better life. A new future. Forget about the future you drew with him. It does not matter anymore. It does not exist anymore.

Accept it. Just think that you are walking on your own in a blindfold. You can’t see anything right? Get the blindfold off. Continue to walk, Open your eyes. Do not be afraid. It is dark? Walk again. Don’t stop. Run. Run away. Do not look back. Not yet.

You can be happy again. And maybe he also wants you to be happy. He wants to remind you how you were before all this. Even if he wants you to stop from walking away just think that maybe he is not the one. Not the right one. Not right now. Or Not ever.

You will be okay. Alright. You will heal on the right time. You’ll get scars but you will be truly happy if you just let yourself to let go. Cry it out now, scream so loud, shout all the hate then breathe do it again until you get tired. Have a time for yourself. Be happy, hang out with good friends. Be free. Smile. Accept, heal, let go, live, and be happy again. J

#my500words: Sleep and Books

Sleep is one of the most important things in the world. This is the most precious thing for me especially on weekends. Whenever my friends cancel our plans to hangout, I feel a bit sad but at the end of the day I have to admit I’m happy because there is more time to sleep.

I remember when my brother and I are just little rugrats, nap time is the dreaded time of the day. We just pretend that we are sleeping but never did. I usually count 1 to whatever while my eyes are closed. When no one is looking, I will just sit up and stay still then lie down again –wishing that time would tick fast so I will be allowed to play outside.

Then… I grew up and wished for more time to sleep. I remember reading this quote from famous Filipino author Bob Ong that says “Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?” Not that I’m in love or anything but I swear, I hate my little self for just pretending to sleep during nap time. I wish I could take it all back and have more time to sleep. (lol)

Though, I love sleeping there are also days when it is alright for me to stay up late or not sleep at all or sleep in the morning, stay awake in the evening.

Those were also the best moments of my life…

After college graduation, I was a bum for nine months. Those were the most depressing days of my life. Just don’t make me recall it, I might get teary-eyed. Loljk. The feeling of not going to school excites you because you don’t have to wake up early nor wear your uniform on a sunny day –sounds amazing but after a month and so… being a bum is not the best thing at all. First few months, okay. The next months are frustrating.. The next next (I’m exaggerating here) months are depressing. And, during those days I relied on my books. I even started to read ebooks just to forget reality for a while. Even if I was at my lowest at that time, books were my sanctuary, my savior, and my sanity during the times of senselessness. I lack sleep but I do not care. I was laughing, crying, weeping, blushing, I was feeling all the emotions from what I’m reading while the world is asleep.

In 2011, I read at least 60 books. I love myself that time. I understand that when I will find a job, I will read less because I don’t have time. I crave for more sleep. But, I love my books so much that I can’t let them go. So when I’m on my way to work, I read. Before I go to sleep, I read. During weekends when I’m home, I either sleep or read. Sometimes, I watch television but I get bored easily with the noon time shows so I’d rather stay in my room. So, I really need more time. For reading and sleeping. And more time to fulfil my goals and dreams. 

#my500words: Concerts 2

....*free writing

The first Exception Music Festival, the festival has three or four stages wherein different artists will perform. We only stayed at the OPM stage because most of the other stages are for … I’m sorry I don’t know the specific names of this music but it’s more for party goers. So going back… the OPM stage was really cool but it is when Parokya ni Edgar came out on stage that got me. I was a fan of the band ever since and to be in the same place without the usual “siksikan and sobrang init” vibe with them made the concert more memorable. Most of PNE gigs are full and as Chito Miranda said “minsan lang tayo magkaroon ng venue na hindi mainit, hindi siksikan, at chill lang” so everyone really enjoyed the moment. They have a large following so when I got in front of the stage, I never really left. It was one of the best moments because I thought I already forgot the lyrics of some of their songs but when they started playing, I joined in singing and it felt like I never really forgot any of their songs. 

The Demi Lovato live in Manila. Before her concert, I'm going crazy because I cannot afford the ticket even the cheapest one. Until, my friends saw in an discount coupon website that Demi's concert tickets are on sale... I usually don't know how those work so I called the most reliable person when it comes to shopping, my bestfriend! She always purchases deals online so I called her until she decided to go to the concert with me. I have to admit, Demi is so faraway but I was so happy to watch her sing and perform live. Her voice is exceptional. Even Trixie who is not a fan, enjoyed the concert. I love Demi because aside from her music, she is an inspiration to her fans. She knows that she is not perfect but she always tell her fans that it is okay not to be. She is a rock star on stage. 

I have watched many live videos of her on youtube and the message she gives before she start singing skycraper always give me goosebumps. Actually, I got teary eyed when she gave her message to her Filipino fans even if it was already expected that she'll give that heartfelt message. Her sincerity to her fans is unquestionable. She is really a one tough girl. 

The XX live in Manila. I first heard the XX thru Gossip Girl. My brother also recommended it to me and gave me their albums. I instantly fell in love. They are like Florence and the Machine (which I loooove so much.) I watched the concert with my brother (of course!) We really wanted to buy the gold section tickets but we thought that it's too expensive and settled for silver section. Even if the audience in the silver tickets are kinda kill joy, I still enjoyed watching Jamie, Oliver, and Romy perform. My brother is concerned that I might not be able to breathe because the place is packed with people and it is suffocating --and I was screaming and singing my hearts out like I don't care. I have to admit that in all the concerts that I've attended, it is one event that I don't want to end. When we're singing "Angels", I thought I'm going to cry because I don't want the night to end. I don't know why I'm so emotional about this. haha!

After the concert, my brother and I agreed that next time we'll not have second thoughts on buying the most expensive ticket so we can watch closer. But, as true fans? It is enough to be there... hear and watch them perform live. Even if you're on the farthest or nearest, it doesn't matter anymore because you're happy to watch your favorite band/artist.

--

It was so fulfilling to watch concerts when you know that you buy tickets from your hard-earned money. Of course, free tickets are nice but we don't have to rely on it always. It is a different feeling when you buy it because it's like you feel more dedicated to your favorite artist (I'm speaking for people who are middle class concertgoers.) You don't have to compete or even beg for tickets because if you really want something you would do anything to get it. :)

#my500words: Concerts

*free writing*

The first real concert I've been to was two years ago. I always wanted to feel the concert-vibe every concertgoers feel. I love many artists but I haven't been to their concerts because I was just a student that time. My entire budget is dedicated for school works, project, school paper, and many more things related to being a college student.

I was very sad when Katy Perry went in the country again. I logged out my twitter so I can’t see happy tweets because I was very bitter at that time. I remember I have a conversation with some of my close friends and promised that next time we should save up for the future concerts of our favourite artists.

Of course, it does not happen in a snap.

Until, I was hired in a publishing company focusing on everything events.

I had my first concert experience and it was with one of my childhood best friends. Secondhand Serenade live in Manila. The concert actually brought back many memories. John Vesely’s (Secondhand Serenade) music was a big part of my high school and pre-college life. My friends and I sing along to his songs until we’re out of breath. We sang all our frustrations through his songs. At that time, people tell that most of his songs are bittersweet and mostly “emo.” But, we don’t care all his lyrics are heartfelt and heart wrenching. Seconhand’s concert brought goose bumps to us because it was so nice to hear the songs live and actually sing along with him. I even screamed my heart out when he finally sang his fan-favourite “Fall for you.” But, he had me with vulnerable because that was my favourite. That night, I was so glad I turned down other concert invites in the past months because I made sure that the first concert I will be in to should be a memorable one and something that I really like.

So maybe here’s a list of some of the concerts I’ve attended that are the closest to my heart.

Dia Frampton Live in Manila – This concert almost didn’t happen but thanks to Dia Frampton’s fans *ehem*, it was made possible. I’ve been dying to meet Dia eversince she auditioned for The Voice US.  She was really familiar to me until I realized that I have listened to some of her songs back in college. My dear friend, Rei recommended their band Meg and Dia to me before. So when she said that she’ll have a concert in Hard Rock Café, I was really looking forward to it. It was really the best. Dia is known to be a shy girl in The Voice but when she sings she turns into a confident and awesome musician. I’m so glad I experienced it live. She was so bubbly and funny. Added points, she was with her boyfriend Danny Bemrose (who plays the guitar for her. Aaaww) and their little banters make the audience more “kilig.” She is more awesome live, gosh! In the meet and greet and cd signing, Dia made me love her more when she was supposed to sit behind a table but she decided to stand up so her fans won’t have a hard time to hug her and made a chitchat. I even had to get my friend’s peace sign bracelets to give to Dia because I forgot to bring something for her. She is so wonderful. Looking forward for her next concert.

This 2014, she’ll have another concert in Hard Rock and she is bringing her sister Meg Frampton *tears*. The Meg and Dia band separated ways last years for some reasons but Dia kept her promise to the fans. She’ll be back with Meg. Oh dear Dia, God bless your heart. J

To be continued…

#my500words: Sunrise

*random*

I like to create story concepts or themes but I never get to start anything. Whenever I think of a story, I start to imagine everything in my head. Poor me, I can't put it into words, yet. 

But, I think I had this story last year... well actually not a story but a scene in my head that I constantly imagine every night.

Well, I don't want to jump directly on my favorite scene, I'll introduce my characters first.

Caitlyn (Cat) is a writer in her university's newspaper organization. She loves bands, coffee, and dreams to watch the sunrise. She can spend time being with different people but she also wants to spend time alone. She has two close friends, Issa and Samantha (though she prefers to be called Sam.)

Cat's life changed when she was assigned by her editor to do Sports features. Sports writing is not Caitlyn's thing but she cannot do anything about it. She thought of focusing on their university's football team. The team is now winning competitions which will make it easier for Cat.

There he will meet different guys who will become her good friends. Though, there will be this one guy (which I forgot what name I gave him) who'll she have a crush with. I'm thinking of the name... Okay, I'll try another name for this post. hmmm. Okay, I'll use Aiden. Aiden, is a good guy. Good but a snob. She already know Cat before they met in the university.

There's a time during summer break, Aiden visits this little book shop in their town and he always saw Cat spends most of her time there. She's one of the few people allowed by the owner to bring coffee near the bookshelves. Aiden felt a connection to Cat. It is a different feeling that he is trying to figure out. He observed Cat's actions and whereabouts but he never had the courage to say Hi or something.

Aiden has a girlfriend. He loves her. Aiden really tried hard not to mind what he felt when he saw this certain bookworm girl. But, as much as Aiden tried to not know the girl, it looks like they will be spending more time together.

Cat decided to make a feature of each athlete, so she is required to spend time with them.

At first, the two didn't really get along. Aiden is being a jerk because he's afraid that he might like Cat more than a friend. Until, he decided to be himself... and gave their friendship a chance.

They became friends. Close friends. Aiden realized that maybe, just maybe Cat is his soul mate. Cat feels the same. But, she doesn't want to ruin any relationship.

They continue to do things together in the university like regular school mates. They are friends but they have strong feelings for each other. Something that even long-time lovers cannot explain.

Until, one day they realized that they have to do something about the certain connection that they are feeling.

This is the time that the football team had a 3-day training wherein they invited Cat to join.

Cat and Aiden enjoy the moment as friends until they decided to go to the rooftop of the vacation house.

rooftop scene:
They sat there in silence then Aiden started to tell Cat everything he feels. From the first time he saw her, the reason why he's being a jerk until the last few days that they became so close. Then Aiden revealed the heartbreaking words but the most honest words he had said to someone.

Aiden: Caitlyn, you have this certain effect on me. No matter how many times I try to push you away, I feel like I can't help but go back. I forget everything whenever I talk to you. Whenever I'm with you I feel like have this certain kind of freedom. There are moments that even if I try to pull away, something always happens that keeps me pushing towards you. It is so funny that I thought of breaking up with Macy but whenever I look at her, I can't imagine my future without her. Whenever I'm with you, it breaks my heart to hug you the way you deserve to be hugged. I am so confused right now. I'm really really sorry if I'm hurting you.

Caitlyn: (as she is trying not to cry) I really don't know Aiden. I want to hate you for not choosing me but I don't. I don't hate Macy too. She is a good person. I can see and feel that you really love each other. It's like you have this unbreakable bond and even if I don't believe in forever, I learned to believe because of your love for each other. I just can't understand on why do I have to be in this situation. Why do I have to feel this way about you? I want to let you go... but it feels like I'm leaving another part of myself.

Aiden: That's what I feel too.

Caitlyn: I even tried to imagine that maybe we were two lost souls from the past who finally had the chance to be with each other.. but we were too scarred and broken to attach our souls back. They don’t fit anymore.

Aiden: Ha? two lost souls. Not meant-to-be? Bullshit, right. Cliche? Wow.

Caitlyn: Thought it just happens in the movies.

Aiden: I don't know but Thank you Caitlyn for exposing another layer of myself to me. Thank you for teaching me not to hold back about life. I hope I have done something good to you too. I'm sorry if I am hurting you.

Caitlyn: When I welcomed you in my life, I never really thought you'll have a huge impact. I thought you are just another unattainable crush... The things that you said to me? I felt it too. You made me more alive, Aiden. The only mistake I did is I expected that you'll do it forever. Funny huh? A person who is a "forever" hater suddenly believed in "eternally." So if I am hurt today, it is all because of me.

Aiden: I still want to say sorry.

Caitlyn: Don't be. You just love Macy and even we have this strong connection, you never let your feelings for her fade away. She is your true love Aiden. Never let her go.

Aiden: But it means... I have to let you go....

Caitlyn: Maybe that is why life is fascinating... Some people come into your life to stay and be with you while some just passes by to teach you lessons. And I am that passerby. You'll be okay Aiden! You've been great without me. Do not confuse your heart anymore. Macy is the finish line.

Aiden hugged Caitlyn so tight. It felt like it is the last time that they will be this close to each other. They stayed there sitting on the roof top looking at each other silently. It is like they are memorizing each others' faces because it will be the last time they'll look at each other. Then the sun rises slowly. They held each others hand and watched the most beautiful sunrise they've ever seen.

**Sunrise, 

"You should love the person that makes you glad that you are alive." -Elena Gilbert

#my500words: the songs

free writing

One of my favorite things to do in the internet is to search song lyrics. Sometimes, I even over analyze the meaning of the songs. It was a hobby since I was in high school. There are times that I guess right the song's meaning while most of the time, I'm really really wrong.

I remember when Britney Spears released the song "Everytime" and as I listened to it I told my friends that it is dedicated for Justin Timberlake. Actually, I never had the exact details but I constantly read in past articles that Brit wrote it with a friend while they are nursing their broken hearts or something...

Cry me a river by Justin Timberlake, of course it's about Britney! kbye.

There's this one time, I listened to all of Maroon 5's albums. I was stuck listening to their Overexposed album (btw, Songs about Jane is still my favorite.) The song Beautiful Goodbye is on repeat for a month on my playlist. I thought that the song is for Anne V. from Adam Levine. It was super funny because I even searched for articles that will tell that beautiful goodbye is dedicated to Anne. Everybody assumed that it is for her. I personally, love the song. Even if I haven't experienced it myself, a break up is not a beautiful thing but it will be after you have moved on and let go.

"When i first met you we're so in love that night, Now I'm kissing your tears good night, I can't take it, you're even perfect when you cry, beautiful goodbye"

Ugh. they were so perfect together. Why do they need to break up? Kbye. Sorry for this. haha.

Until, I listed to Maroon 5's Sad - I am sure this is for Anne! haha. One of #TeamAdam's singer sang it in the show and Adam kinda said something "that he wrote it with James Valentine during the time when he hit rock bottom.. something about heartbreak.." I really can't remember his exact words. haha.

Almost is never enough by Ariana Grande. God knows that this was on repeat for months.

I remember writing an article the whole day while listening to this song. Actually the lyrics said it all. Aside from analyzing things, I also like to make my own scenarios while listening to songs. Yes, we can call it music videos but in my own interpretation.

In almost is never enough, I imagined a girl going somewhere far to be alone and to think. She remembered that beautiful and at the same time, saddest moment of her life. It could have been called a meaningful summer fling but both of them knows it can be a long lasting relationship. They met during a time when they just want to be alone. No commitments, no hook ups, no flirting.. but they clicked. They were having the best time of their lives but it is not their reality. They live different lives. As they went back to their own whereabouts that's when they tried to work things out. During the time when they are taking a break, everything is spontaneous. Now, that they're back to reality, everything is a mess. They are not on the same page anymore but they tried. They gave their all but the universe feels like working against them. Until, they decided to let each other go. Almost.... but almost is never enough.

#my500words: Conversations

Free Writing

I was sitting in front of the place where there's loud music and full of booze. It is not a place I enjoy but it is my friends kind of night. Everyone is just stressed for the upcoming event and they said they want to enjoy the moment. It is not that I hate places like this but it is just not my thing. I'd rather break my eardrums in gigs or concerts than dance to party music all night with people trying to dance with you. Actually, sometimes I have good times whenever I'm with my friends, maybe an hour or two but after that I prefer to sit here outside and wait for them.

It was cold night. It is almost three o'clock in the morning but people are still coming in to the bar. When you observe these party goers, you'll see excitement. happiness, or "whatever happy thing you have in mind" on their faces.

I wish I have that enthusiasm when I'm in this place but my friends gave up on me. They're confused on why I can plan any event or any party but I can't enjoy myself during our chill nights.

Well, I don't know. I really don't know.

I'd rather sit here than watch them get drunk. I'm okay being alone until someone sat beside me. I don't really want to have any conversation right now but this is my seat. I will not leave. I just pray that this person will not talk to me.

Ten minutes have passed and this person talked to me and offered me his drink. Of course, I refused it but I talked to him, looks like he won't remember me because he looks kinda drunk. We talked about different things under the sun. He said he has a band and I don't want to believe him. He said he's in the city to start his Master's Degree. He left his band to explore more of the world. He said he never read a book his entire life. He said he had two serious girlfriends. He said he never wrote songs, he just let his band mates write whatever they want. He said he has this ex-girlfriend whom he wants to meet again and maybe catch up or just say Hi. He never really got over her. He said his tired of people telling him what to do, He said he misses his family. He was just the one talking the whole time. It's like he has opened his whole life to me, a stranger.

Until, I said to him... Of all the things that you said what are the truth and what are the lies?

He looked at me with his sad eyes and realized I knew  that some of the things that he said are not the truth.

He smiled at me and I started this game with him...

Me: Master's Degree?
Him: Lie. I'm still thinking of getting one.

Me: Band?
Him: Truth.
Me: Left the band?
Him: I want to. just for a while.

Me: Book?
Him: Truth... kinda truth.
He said he just read one book recommended to her by his ex girlfriend. He admitted that he liked
it.

Me: Ex girlfriends???
Him: Okay... One ex-girlfriend and many flings, acquaintances and all.
Me: How about the story? Want to meet again, can't get over stuff..
Him: Truth.

And I didn't bother to elaborate my question.

Me: One last thing, writing a song?
Him: Lie. I probably wrote most of my band's songs.

Me: Would you want to share a few lines from your favorite composition?
Him: Sure.

#my500words: Humility and Kindness

Three years ago, I went to the Philippine Fashion Week with my college friends. We don't have a grand plan that night but just to have fun and appreciate new designs from the most talented Pinoy designers. We went there early to line up and have good seats.

Until, one friend talked to some models in a cafe near the event place. This friend told us that the models asked her if they can share a table with her... Of course she agreed and had small talk.

When our friend joined us in the line, the models recognized our friend and suddenly invited us to sit with them. That was one "awesome" moment for us. We got good seats and got the chance to talk to these humble and kind "mom" models. So yeah, I finally said they are moms -- but, I have to say they are "hot mamas."

They very kind and sweet to us. Even if they are the señoras of the modelling world, they don't act like one. They even fool around with their colleagues and told some organizers that we are their nieces.

It was an inspiring night for me to receive that kind of kindness from people in such a high society industry. They should be respected but they never demand it.

Every time, I hear their names or see them on television I can't help but smile and tell to myself that someday I want to be like them-- not to be a model because I will never be-- but I want to be like them wherein through all their experiences and  achievements their feet never left the ground.

Most of the time, whenever people achieved something and got really famous.. they tend to forget who they are. I've worked with some celebrities during photo shoots and you can actually see who they are off camera. Some are really smart and all but some will get you really disappointed. There is really a difference between off and on camera.

They look like fun and kind on television but is really a douche in real life.  Or maybe I'm just being a judgmental. Maybe, that person is having a bad day. But, I often compare that person to this famous tv host. He is one of the most respected in the industry but when I got the chance to talk to him, he never showed any signs of being a primadonna. I remember that time my friend and I said he can be a diva if he wants to because HE IS SOMEONE IN THE INDUSTRY but he never was. He is smiling at everybody as he happily shares his story, his humble beginnings. he laughs at small things, requests kindly things from his assistants, talks to everyone etc etc.

Well, I don't know what's really one's definition of humility and kindness but according to what I've experienced, it is being modest all the time. Being kind to anyone even if you know that they will not be kind to you.

It is being a normal human being who cares for everybody.

Because at the end of the day, being too proud and unkind can never get you anywhere.


p.s. FREE WRITING.

#my500words: A letter to the 15-year old me

I've been wanting to write this letter for a long time. I just can't find the right words. So why did I choose to write to the 15-year old me? Well, because at that time I thought I had the biggest problem, I thought I had the most painful heartbreak but now that I'm older, looking back at those times makes me laugh hard at myself and even cringe when I remember my stupidity. haha!

Dear 15-year old me,

         Hi! I know you're having a hard time right now and you feel like the world is out there to come and get you. Everything feels like trash and for the first time, you are taking risk and learning the pains of the so called "first love." Please don't stress yourself and worry about it until the middle of the night. It is okay to feel happy. As much as I don't want to deal with this but I have to say, your heartbreak felt like the most painful you had but girl, it is not! It is just a lesson that you have to learn. There is someone out there meant for you, I just don't know when he'll arrive. Maybe, you'll also realize that you don't need somebody to be complete you. You'll be fine girl, I swear. For sure, your future self will laugh at you because you fell in love to someone out of your type. What's wrong girl? I thought you have high standards? loljoke. It may look like you'll never get over that person but I swear, girl!!! YOU CAN AND YOU WILL! You'll find a more worthy person to love. You also need to stop posting unnecessary quotes on your friendster account okay? In time, you'll be fine and it's not the end of the world! haha!

      So, you're in the room moping because you can't go to the mall with your friends, you can't hang out with them after school. You have a family that has strict rules but don't worry when you're older you'll be more free to do the things you want. Remember your conversation with your mom? Don't worry when you graduate from College you can do whatever you want without asking for her permission. Well, girl! Your wait will be really worth it. You will gain your parents' trust that even if you are still in college, start to let you go and make you do things that you want. You will even end up with your classmates in Sierra Madre appreciating nature... Haha. Sad that you didn't experience it in high school but ... Come on it is more fun! I'm proud of you that even if you had strict rules in the house you didn't end up being a rebellious girl. It was hard to follow the rules that sometimes you end up hating everyone (haha!) but still you thought this will all end. Because of those things you learned that trust is a big thing and to never mess with it.

      Just enjoy the moment especially the time that you have with your friends. Time will come that you'll have different lives and it will be hard to be in one place at the same time. Tell them you love them, do more stupid things with them, and stop worrying about the unknown.

    You'll be okay and awesome. I'm proud of you.


                                                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                                           The 23-year old me :)

   

#my500words: Dear you

I'm just on my third #my500words post and it feels like I don't know what to write anymore (haha!) I really don't want to read my last posts because I might end up doing more tweaks which is not part of this personal challenge.

Anyway, I got an idea from a post I saw on tumblr. There's this certain blogger who writes short notes to people close to her, sometimes strangers but the catch is it doesn't have a name. There's no clue of who she is talking about. It's like the letters we write on our diary but this time it is posted online and that person is unknown...

It's like letting all your feelings out.

So, I'm going to do it too.

Phew.

#1
Hey, I know that you are having a hard time right now. You have so many questions on what is happening and I know that we all push you to be braver, stronger, and mature enough to tell the truth. I'm really concerned about you. It feels like you decided to be a mature person about this matter but you still can't swallow your pride. I'm afraid that something bad might happen to you just because of your selfishness. Why can't you just tell the truth? I know it is not easy but you have to remember that the clock is ticking and this is not something that you can hide forever. I don't know what to do with you anymore! Please? Please? Please? tell them now! Please?

#2
I never thought someone like you really existed. You are such a douche bag.. You fucking jerk. Whenever I remember your name, all I think about is jerk! jerk! jerk! *ssh*le. Ugh! How can you let something happen so easily and then deny it afterwards. Someday, when everything will fall into place, I hope the time will come that you realize the things that you did. I hope when the right time comes, you'll regret the day that you saved yourself and even used God's name in vain. I know that not everything is your fault but when I read all your messages... I cried because you made someone so important to me feel like trash. When the truth is you are the crap. (I'm sorry to say this and I'll probably regret this but, I just don't care right now.) I just hope these things that you've done will not happen to anyone close to you. and one last thing, Stop! saying that you are a changed person.. because you are not!

#3
Thank you for opening yourself up to me. You rather keep everything to yourself and does not build a lot of relationships because you're just not that kind of person. I'm happy whenever you tell me stories about you because I know that you trust me enough to tell me those things. Last year was the time that I learned to build a wall and limit myself to people who knows me best. It was surprising that I gained a new friend in you. Thank you. Thank you for helping me whenever I don't know what to do especially when I was the new girl. Thank you for teaching me to be a less worrier.

#4
This is something I know I will laugh whenever I got the chance to read again in the future. But what the hell, I just want to say it.

My daydreams are often about you and me meeting somewhere far from home. I even imagine myself being disappointed because the you in my dreams is very far from the you in real life. And then, I go back to that night of the gig when you smile that genuine smile...  And *poof*here goes the daydreamer again. Don't worry I don't imagine my future with you, I'm old enough to realize that you are just a crush -- a super crush!

#5
You'll be fine. Just don't ever give up on your dreams. One step at a time. :) You'll get there.



Wow!!! I enjoyed this.. Maybe I should do this more often! :)

#my500words: Thoughts on Celeste and Jesse forever

I have to admit that I love to watch chic flicks once in a while. There are just times that I want to have a good cry over a fictional love story. Call me a hopeless romantic, sappy, weak, or whatever you want to call me but, I enjoy watching this kind of films. In fact, my favorite is A Walk to Remember. Don't worry there are also times when I cringe to some films' plot lines (maybe that's a sign of getting old?) There are moments when I stop watching a film because it is too sweet. Ugh. haha. Also, ever since... I love tragic,, sad or open-ended endings. Not that I'm bitter about life... it's just I'm a believer of there are just things that are not meant to be. :)) Even if I'm rooting for unhappy endings, I also love happy endings.. who doesn't?

And maybe because I love Celeste and Jesse --I'm torn between being happy for them or hate them for not being together. :(

Celeste and Jesse are best friends and a young couple who married early. They wanted to have a divorce but they still remain friends and stay on the same house. Celeste is more dominant and a career-oriented woman while Jesse is a one happy go lucky guy who likes to take things slow... So there is the conflict.

I love the fact that they are still best friends even if they are breaking up.Things started to become complicated when Jesse met a new girl... And then there Celeste -being jealous and comparing herself to the girl and all that overly-attached blah blah blah.

In the story, I really wanted to hate Celeste for giving up. For giving up on Jesse, for not fighting for their relationship. But, just like any loved character, Celeste is also vulnerable even if she's looks so tough.

I remember this scene when Jesse told Celeste that his new girlfriend is pregnant. And then suddenly he has a different outlook in life. he wants to be better. He wants to start a new life with the girl and their baby. Celeste became depressed because of it. it is when she realized that she can't live her life without Jesse but she realized it too late. I was crying the whole time when Celeste begged for Jesse to come back to her (in regular days, I hate it when a girl begs for a guy to come back to her)... Until, Jesse told her that he already loves the girl and wants to be a responsible father.

and that is the moment that I cried with Celeste (even if I'm slightly hating her for being a bitch)... It's like all her life Celeste wanted Jesse to be a responsible man for her and their relationship but he didn't. It takes for a baby and a new girl for him to be responsible.. It's like Celeste is not worth changing for... Okay, I'm overreacting here. But, if I'm Celeste, I will really feel that way. :((

I was already weeping when Celeste delivered her best friend speech.. That scene when she said something like... love one another and... sometimes it is not important that you're always right in the relationship... and fight for your love everyday.. and she wished she had. Oh! gosh! that was one tough scene. I watched it over and over again and it still hits me every time.

I remember when two of my friends who recommended me the movie told me that I will love the ending... and I guess they know me too well. I love it! BUT, I love the movie itself, even if it ended happy, i will still love it. It ended just right.

I just hope any couples in real life can resolve their differences as Jesse and Celeste had. One thing I learned in this film is... sometimes you need to ask yourself, "Do you want be right or do you want to be happy?"

#my500words: First

So, yes! It is one of my goals to improve my writing this year.
I even bought a planner that I can also use as a  journal so I will not have an excuse not to write anything. I promised myself that this time I will not edit myself (so much).

I've been very conscious of my writing ever since some stranger criticized my post on her own blog without even informing me of what she did. At that time, I was on my lowest and to discover something like that is like you're telling me that I will never be good enough. It was also the time when someone said that I write too blog-ish.. but I know that the write-up given to me is something worthy of that "tone" for that certain article... I was so pathetic at that time that I believed everyone who says that I'm not good enough.

I allowed them to let me down which is so stupid of me. Then, after all those pathetic things I tell myself, I just woke up one day that maybe they are right about my writing (for now) but I realized that they will never be right forever. I barely remember that stranger's blog but I will never forget the day I told myself that when the time comes that I will be good enough, I will never ever do the mean things that was done to me to others.

I will also try to do free writing (which is what I am doing now and maybe for the rest of my blog posts the next days) as much as possible to avoid my "write a little. edit. write more. edit. edit. haven't finished this write up because I edit so much" routine in everything I write (but of course I will not do free writing in the articles I write for work!)

This 2014, it feels like I really wanted to live for myself more. I am really excited for this year because I realized that when you've done something that you thought is very hard to do and you suddenly do it.. Oh my gosh, I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm just saying all of this because I don't want to edit myself so bare with me. LOL

So? what do I really want to say?! I can't really put it into words....
but I remember the quote from John Green's book --Paper Towns.

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” 

I remember that last year was the year when I felt that I have been the bravest. 

All my life, I know that I am the kind of person who will never leave something  just because I just want to,  I'm burnt out, I got fed up, and I'm just tired of everything... If I can suck it up until the very end, I will.  But then again, people get tired and sometimes you just let go... and leave. and I DID! I can't explain the feeling into words but it was one of the best that I've felt.

It's like holding on to something for so long and then you let go, it hurts but I felt lighter. 

I remember how I cried because I felt like I've let go of my dreams but then I realized that I'm still holding on to those dreams... I just have to take a different road but I will still arrive on the same finish line.