#my500words: Sleep and Books

Sleep is one of the most important things in the world. This is the most precious thing for me especially on weekends. Whenever my friends cancel our plans to hangout, I feel a bit sad but at the end of the day I have to admit I’m happy because there is more time to sleep.

I remember when my brother and I are just little rugrats, nap time is the dreaded time of the day. We just pretend that we are sleeping but never did. I usually count 1 to whatever while my eyes are closed. When no one is looking, I will just sit up and stay still then lie down again –wishing that time would tick fast so I will be allowed to play outside.

Then… I grew up and wished for more time to sleep. I remember reading this quote from famous Filipino author Bob Ong that says “Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?” Not that I’m in love or anything but I swear, I hate my little self for just pretending to sleep during nap time. I wish I could take it all back and have more time to sleep. (lol)

Though, I love sleeping there are also days when it is alright for me to stay up late or not sleep at all or sleep in the morning, stay awake in the evening.

Those were also the best moments of my life…

After college graduation, I was a bum for nine months. Those were the most depressing days of my life. Just don’t make me recall it, I might get teary-eyed. Loljk. The feeling of not going to school excites you because you don’t have to wake up early nor wear your uniform on a sunny day –sounds amazing but after a month and so… being a bum is not the best thing at all. First few months, okay. The next months are frustrating.. The next next (I’m exaggerating here) months are depressing. And, during those days I relied on my books. I even started to read ebooks just to forget reality for a while. Even if I was at my lowest at that time, books were my sanctuary, my savior, and my sanity during the times of senselessness. I lack sleep but I do not care. I was laughing, crying, weeping, blushing, I was feeling all the emotions from what I’m reading while the world is asleep.

In 2011, I read at least 60 books. I love myself that time. I understand that when I will find a job, I will read less because I don’t have time. I crave for more sleep. But, I love my books so much that I can’t let them go. So when I’m on my way to work, I read. Before I go to sleep, I read. During weekends when I’m home, I either sleep or read. Sometimes, I watch television but I get bored easily with the noon time shows so I’d rather stay in my room. So, I really need more time. For reading and sleeping. And more time to fulfil my goals and dreams. 

#my500words: A letter to the 15-year old me

I've been wanting to write this letter for a long time. I just can't find the right words. So why did I choose to write to the 15-year old me? Well, because at that time I thought I had the biggest problem, I thought I had the most painful heartbreak but now that I'm older, looking back at those times makes me laugh hard at myself and even cringe when I remember my stupidity. haha!

Dear 15-year old me,

         Hi! I know you're having a hard time right now and you feel like the world is out there to come and get you. Everything feels like trash and for the first time, you are taking risk and learning the pains of the so called "first love." Please don't stress yourself and worry about it until the middle of the night. It is okay to feel happy. As much as I don't want to deal with this but I have to say, your heartbreak felt like the most painful you had but girl, it is not! It is just a lesson that you have to learn. There is someone out there meant for you, I just don't know when he'll arrive. Maybe, you'll also realize that you don't need somebody to be complete you. You'll be fine girl, I swear. For sure, your future self will laugh at you because you fell in love to someone out of your type. What's wrong girl? I thought you have high standards? loljoke. It may look like you'll never get over that person but I swear, girl!!! YOU CAN AND YOU WILL! You'll find a more worthy person to love. You also need to stop posting unnecessary quotes on your friendster account okay? In time, you'll be fine and it's not the end of the world! haha!

      So, you're in the room moping because you can't go to the mall with your friends, you can't hang out with them after school. You have a family that has strict rules but don't worry when you're older you'll be more free to do the things you want. Remember your conversation with your mom? Don't worry when you graduate from College you can do whatever you want without asking for her permission. Well, girl! Your wait will be really worth it. You will gain your parents' trust that even if you are still in college, start to let you go and make you do things that you want. You will even end up with your classmates in Sierra Madre appreciating nature... Haha. Sad that you didn't experience it in high school but ... Come on it is more fun! I'm proud of you that even if you had strict rules in the house you didn't end up being a rebellious girl. It was hard to follow the rules that sometimes you end up hating everyone (haha!) but still you thought this will all end. Because of those things you learned that trust is a big thing and to never mess with it.

      Just enjoy the moment especially the time that you have with your friends. Time will come that you'll have different lives and it will be hard to be in one place at the same time. Tell them you love them, do more stupid things with them, and stop worrying about the unknown.

    You'll be okay and awesome. I'm proud of you.


                                                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                                           The 23-year old me :)

   

#my500words: Dear you

I'm just on my third #my500words post and it feels like I don't know what to write anymore (haha!) I really don't want to read my last posts because I might end up doing more tweaks which is not part of this personal challenge.

Anyway, I got an idea from a post I saw on tumblr. There's this certain blogger who writes short notes to people close to her, sometimes strangers but the catch is it doesn't have a name. There's no clue of who she is talking about. It's like the letters we write on our diary but this time it is posted online and that person is unknown...

It's like letting all your feelings out.

So, I'm going to do it too.

Phew.

#1
Hey, I know that you are having a hard time right now. You have so many questions on what is happening and I know that we all push you to be braver, stronger, and mature enough to tell the truth. I'm really concerned about you. It feels like you decided to be a mature person about this matter but you still can't swallow your pride. I'm afraid that something bad might happen to you just because of your selfishness. Why can't you just tell the truth? I know it is not easy but you have to remember that the clock is ticking and this is not something that you can hide forever. I don't know what to do with you anymore! Please? Please? Please? tell them now! Please?

#2
I never thought someone like you really existed. You are such a douche bag.. You fucking jerk. Whenever I remember your name, all I think about is jerk! jerk! jerk! *ssh*le. Ugh! How can you let something happen so easily and then deny it afterwards. Someday, when everything will fall into place, I hope the time will come that you realize the things that you did. I hope when the right time comes, you'll regret the day that you saved yourself and even used God's name in vain. I know that not everything is your fault but when I read all your messages... I cried because you made someone so important to me feel like trash. When the truth is you are the crap. (I'm sorry to say this and I'll probably regret this but, I just don't care right now.) I just hope these things that you've done will not happen to anyone close to you. and one last thing, Stop! saying that you are a changed person.. because you are not!

#3
Thank you for opening yourself up to me. You rather keep everything to yourself and does not build a lot of relationships because you're just not that kind of person. I'm happy whenever you tell me stories about you because I know that you trust me enough to tell me those things. Last year was the time that I learned to build a wall and limit myself to people who knows me best. It was surprising that I gained a new friend in you. Thank you. Thank you for helping me whenever I don't know what to do especially when I was the new girl. Thank you for teaching me to be a less worrier.

#4
This is something I know I will laugh whenever I got the chance to read again in the future. But what the hell, I just want to say it.

My daydreams are often about you and me meeting somewhere far from home. I even imagine myself being disappointed because the you in my dreams is very far from the you in real life. And then, I go back to that night of the gig when you smile that genuine smile...  And *poof*here goes the daydreamer again. Don't worry I don't imagine my future with you, I'm old enough to realize that you are just a crush -- a super crush!

#5
You'll be fine. Just don't ever give up on your dreams. One step at a time. :) You'll get there.



Wow!!! I enjoyed this.. Maybe I should do this more often! :)

#my500words: Thoughts on Celeste and Jesse forever

I have to admit that I love to watch chic flicks once in a while. There are just times that I want to have a good cry over a fictional love story. Call me a hopeless romantic, sappy, weak, or whatever you want to call me but, I enjoy watching this kind of films. In fact, my favorite is A Walk to Remember. Don't worry there are also times when I cringe to some films' plot lines (maybe that's a sign of getting old?) There are moments when I stop watching a film because it is too sweet. Ugh. haha. Also, ever since... I love tragic,, sad or open-ended endings. Not that I'm bitter about life... it's just I'm a believer of there are just things that are not meant to be. :)) Even if I'm rooting for unhappy endings, I also love happy endings.. who doesn't?

And maybe because I love Celeste and Jesse --I'm torn between being happy for them or hate them for not being together. :(

Celeste and Jesse are best friends and a young couple who married early. They wanted to have a divorce but they still remain friends and stay on the same house. Celeste is more dominant and a career-oriented woman while Jesse is a one happy go lucky guy who likes to take things slow... So there is the conflict.

I love the fact that they are still best friends even if they are breaking up.Things started to become complicated when Jesse met a new girl... And then there Celeste -being jealous and comparing herself to the girl and all that overly-attached blah blah blah.

In the story, I really wanted to hate Celeste for giving up. For giving up on Jesse, for not fighting for their relationship. But, just like any loved character, Celeste is also vulnerable even if she's looks so tough.

I remember this scene when Jesse told Celeste that his new girlfriend is pregnant. And then suddenly he has a different outlook in life. he wants to be better. He wants to start a new life with the girl and their baby. Celeste became depressed because of it. it is when she realized that she can't live her life without Jesse but she realized it too late. I was crying the whole time when Celeste begged for Jesse to come back to her (in regular days, I hate it when a girl begs for a guy to come back to her)... Until, Jesse told her that he already loves the girl and wants to be a responsible father.

and that is the moment that I cried with Celeste (even if I'm slightly hating her for being a bitch)... It's like all her life Celeste wanted Jesse to be a responsible man for her and their relationship but he didn't. It takes for a baby and a new girl for him to be responsible.. It's like Celeste is not worth changing for... Okay, I'm overreacting here. But, if I'm Celeste, I will really feel that way. :((

I was already weeping when Celeste delivered her best friend speech.. That scene when she said something like... love one another and... sometimes it is not important that you're always right in the relationship... and fight for your love everyday.. and she wished she had. Oh! gosh! that was one tough scene. I watched it over and over again and it still hits me every time.

I remember when two of my friends who recommended me the movie told me that I will love the ending... and I guess they know me too well. I love it! BUT, I love the movie itself, even if it ended happy, i will still love it. It ended just right.

I just hope any couples in real life can resolve their differences as Jesse and Celeste had. One thing I learned in this film is... sometimes you need to ask yourself, "Do you want be right or do you want to be happy?"

#my500words: First

So, yes! It is one of my goals to improve my writing this year.
I even bought a planner that I can also use as a  journal so I will not have an excuse not to write anything. I promised myself that this time I will not edit myself (so much).

I've been very conscious of my writing ever since some stranger criticized my post on her own blog without even informing me of what she did. At that time, I was on my lowest and to discover something like that is like you're telling me that I will never be good enough. It was also the time when someone said that I write too blog-ish.. but I know that the write-up given to me is something worthy of that "tone" for that certain article... I was so pathetic at that time that I believed everyone who says that I'm not good enough.

I allowed them to let me down which is so stupid of me. Then, after all those pathetic things I tell myself, I just woke up one day that maybe they are right about my writing (for now) but I realized that they will never be right forever. I barely remember that stranger's blog but I will never forget the day I told myself that when the time comes that I will be good enough, I will never ever do the mean things that was done to me to others.

I will also try to do free writing (which is what I am doing now and maybe for the rest of my blog posts the next days) as much as possible to avoid my "write a little. edit. write more. edit. edit. haven't finished this write up because I edit so much" routine in everything I write (but of course I will not do free writing in the articles I write for work!)

This 2014, it feels like I really wanted to live for myself more. I am really excited for this year because I realized that when you've done something that you thought is very hard to do and you suddenly do it.. Oh my gosh, I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm just saying all of this because I don't want to edit myself so bare with me. LOL

So? what do I really want to say?! I can't really put it into words....
but I remember the quote from John Green's book --Paper Towns.

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” 

I remember that last year was the year when I felt that I have been the bravest. 

All my life, I know that I am the kind of person who will never leave something  just because I just want to,  I'm burnt out, I got fed up, and I'm just tired of everything... If I can suck it up until the very end, I will.  But then again, people get tired and sometimes you just let go... and leave. and I DID! I can't explain the feeling into words but it was one of the best that I've felt.

It's like holding on to something for so long and then you let go, it hurts but I felt lighter. 

I remember how I cried because I felt like I've let go of my dreams but then I realized that I'm still holding on to those dreams... I just have to take a different road but I will still arrive on the same finish line.