#my500words: Just nothing

*just wrote while listening to Art of Letting Go and You could be happy.

*free writing

Goodbyes break hearts, souls, hope, relationships, joy, and many positive things. It was said in a song that we all can learn the art of letting go. How can someone really let go? Is it when one will go to different places alone but still feel all the hurt whenever night time comes? Is it when after you said good bye and finally have the courage to leave that you start to feel better for yourself but still feel your heart aching whenever you remember a certain memory. Or is it when you felt all the pain an

Memories.. Good or bad.. all of them has a place in your life. Feel.. Feel the pain, hold on to the memories, accept, don’t accept, go back to step one. Try to say it is really over. Say goodbye even the words choke you. Set it free, set them free, set him free. Maybe someday you’ll be fine, you’ll smile at each other because it is all over but right now, accept… let go of the grip slowly, one by one, one step at a time. You can learn to live again.

Start again. Restart? Yes you can. Don’t give up on your life but give him up. No, he is not your life. You have your own. Live it. Don’t be pathetic –well, it’s fine but don’t be like that all your life. Hold on to the memories but learn to put away the candid shots, the sweet pictures… the beautiful memories.

Unchain your hands, your feet, unchain your heart. Unchain everything until you feel free. Tell yourself, enough, good bye, IT”S OVER. Even if you don’t believe it.. Say it. Let go of the grip. Stop holding on. Open up the door, get out. Walk away. Kick all the chains. Think of Start. Restart. New. Run. Walk not towards him but towards a new you. Towards a better life. A new future. Forget about the future you drew with him. It does not matter anymore. It does not exist anymore.

Accept it. Just think that you are walking on your own in a blindfold. You can’t see anything right? Get the blindfold off. Continue to walk, Open your eyes. Do not be afraid. It is dark? Walk again. Don’t stop. Run. Run away. Do not look back. Not yet.

You can be happy again. And maybe he also wants you to be happy. He wants to remind you how you were before all this. Even if he wants you to stop from walking away just think that maybe he is not the one. Not the right one. Not right now. Or Not ever.

You will be okay. Alright. You will heal on the right time. You’ll get scars but you will be truly happy if you just let yourself to let go. Cry it out now, scream so loud, shout all the hate then breathe do it again until you get tired. Have a time for yourself. Be happy, hang out with good friends. Be free. Smile. Accept, heal, let go, live, and be happy again. J

#my500words: First

So, yes! It is one of my goals to improve my writing this year.
I even bought a planner that I can also use as a  journal so I will not have an excuse not to write anything. I promised myself that this time I will not edit myself (so much).

I've been very conscious of my writing ever since some stranger criticized my post on her own blog without even informing me of what she did. At that time, I was on my lowest and to discover something like that is like you're telling me that I will never be good enough. It was also the time when someone said that I write too blog-ish.. but I know that the write-up given to me is something worthy of that "tone" for that certain article... I was so pathetic at that time that I believed everyone who says that I'm not good enough.

I allowed them to let me down which is so stupid of me. Then, after all those pathetic things I tell myself, I just woke up one day that maybe they are right about my writing (for now) but I realized that they will never be right forever. I barely remember that stranger's blog but I will never forget the day I told myself that when the time comes that I will be good enough, I will never ever do the mean things that was done to me to others.

I will also try to do free writing (which is what I am doing now and maybe for the rest of my blog posts the next days) as much as possible to avoid my "write a little. edit. write more. edit. edit. haven't finished this write up because I edit so much" routine in everything I write (but of course I will not do free writing in the articles I write for work!)

This 2014, it feels like I really wanted to live for myself more. I am really excited for this year because I realized that when you've done something that you thought is very hard to do and you suddenly do it.. Oh my gosh, I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm just saying all of this because I don't want to edit myself so bare with me. LOL

So? what do I really want to say?! I can't really put it into words....
but I remember the quote from John Green's book --Paper Towns.

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” 

I remember that last year was the year when I felt that I have been the bravest. 

All my life, I know that I am the kind of person who will never leave something  just because I just want to,  I'm burnt out, I got fed up, and I'm just tired of everything... If I can suck it up until the very end, I will.  But then again, people get tired and sometimes you just let go... and leave. and I DID! I can't explain the feeling into words but it was one of the best that I've felt.

It's like holding on to something for so long and then you let go, it hurts but I felt lighter. 

I remember how I cried because I felt like I've let go of my dreams but then I realized that I'm still holding on to those dreams... I just have to take a different road but I will still arrive on the same finish line.