"What am I go to do with my life, seriously?! Kit, turning 20"

Today is December 25, 2010. Last night's good. Noche Buena with Kuya and Mama is one of our funniest nights. Mama even said that, For 5 years na nag Christmas siya here, first time daw kaming ganun. First time that we have dinner on Christmas Eve that we're laughing until we cry. So I hope in the next few years, I would blog about Papa's first Christmas in the Philippines after a long time. Lord, alam mo yan. :) Ganun ba talaga 'pag kapos? You can feel the love more...? No exchanged gifts, no Ang Pao's.. nothing. I realized, we're broke but we're happy. :)

I also felt the happiness and somehow a little sadness last night. Its because everyone has something hidden in the deepest part of their hearts. Maybe, this Christmas is the most unfortunate one (that's what my mom says). I don't know but for me, this is the most "I don't know" time. I'm happy but.... and I don't even know how to end the sentence.

Tomorrow's my birthday but I don't feel like being happy about it. I even said that I want to spend it alone for a reason I also don't understand. Just me and my craziness.Then I decided to be with my bestfriend Trixie but until now, I don't know what to do tomorrow.

I'm going to say goodbye to -teen years 4 hours from now but still I don't have an exact idea on what's going on and what's going to happen in my life. I'm turning 20 but still I'm clueless. I know what I want but it feels like "is it right?" "Am I on the right track?" "Will I ever recover if all my decisions are wrong?" "Does it even matter?" "What am I go to do with my life, seriously?!" "Are the things I want, will I still want it months from now?"

I am always the girl who looks on the positive side of everything but now? I can't even cheer up myself. Maybe when you're getting older, you're outlook in life is changing 360 degrees. Simple things cannot make you happy anymore. I'm trying to work on that now. I try to appreciate even the smallest details of life so please don't take that away from me.

LIFE IS UNFAIR. I know but because I'm optimistic about everything it doesn't occur to me ever, until one day. The world came crashing down. Yes, Life is unfair especially when I've wanted some things badly but I can't have it. The world is not a better place. Rich people becomes richer. Poor people becomes poorer and poorer. And then there are times that everything you believe into is just bullsh*t. All of them. :(

You can whine. You can scream. You can curse. You can do everything you want but, the feeling stays. And you laugh at yourself and say STUPID! You'll cry, even laugh at your acts but tomorrow you need to be okay. You need to get going because the world will never stop for you. No one could help you except yourself and with a big help from SOMEONE up there.

There are times that I would question God, I would ask him many foolish questions. I even remember when I was 7 years old, I wrote a letter to Him using a paper and a pentel pen. The letter says "Bakit ganito ang buhay? (Something like that!)" What amuses me is when I wrote "Kung totoo ka, dapat magreresponse ka dito..." Whenever, I remember that I would laugh because that little Kit is out of the picture anymore.

She became more brave and god fearing. She always have a smile to offer everyone but you wouldn't love her when her mood changed. She takes care of everyone but sometimes she wishes of someone who would take care of her too. She loves God more than anything but there are times that she would question Him and came back with an answer that "Yeah! Maybe He's just busy taking care of others."

Isang magulong mundo ang kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Pati utak ko magulo. Hindi ko alam ang dapat kong maramdaman. Ang dami kong gustong gawin, puntahan, bilhin, ibigay, sabihin pero parang kulang. Nakakainis nga eh kasi lagi na lang kulang pero nakakainis din ako kasi lagi ko na lang sinasabi, sige okay lang. Kasi pag hindi ko sinabi yun, ano na lang ang panghahawakan ko?

Ang gulo gulo ng buhay pero kailangan ko pa ring mabuhay. Sana maging okay. Sana talaga. kasi iniisip ko pag binalikan ko tong blog post na to, tatawa na lang ako. And I'll say none of them seems to matter anymore.

Dear myself,

Say goodbye to your teen years, say hello to 20. Hello life. Hello Big decisions. Hello New People. Hello Work. Hello Hard life. Hello. Hello. You have to be okay, that's what I always tell you. You've trained yourself to be optimistic (ngayon ka pa ba susuko?). You have to inspire more people because I know deep inside your heart, that's what you really want. Continue writing, I know you're frustrated about it but sometimes you're okay. Work harder. Whatever decisions you'll make, I'll support you. Come on, I'm you and you're me. Haha. Funny. Shut up.

So? See you in the land of what might have been okay? Then we'll also meet on our reality Okay? I love you Kristina Noelle. Be good. :)

toodles,

Me